I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
