When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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