Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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