Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
