apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
