the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
