i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
