We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
