here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
