Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
