By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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