Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
