Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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