Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
