I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
