Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
