so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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