apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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