all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
