remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
