I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
