these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
