So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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