peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
