Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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