He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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