youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Ambien. No doubt about it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
