Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
