Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
