dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
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So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
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You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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