Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
