I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
