I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
