There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
