Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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