You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
