So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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