I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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