I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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