I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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