party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
