I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
