You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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