As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast