I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...