I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.