We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.