woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
