I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
