I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She bit a glass in half.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
