nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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