I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize