It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
