mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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