I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
