No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
