Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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