im six kinds of drunk right now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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