I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
