I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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