I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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