The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
