I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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